As parents of children with anxiety it can be tempting to give in to the anxiety; to do whatever your child is asking you to do so that their pain and suffering can go away. It is an understandable trap to fall into. And it seems logical. Your child is suffering—so you do whatever it takes to make their suffering go away. But as I tell all the parents with whom I work, and their children—the basic rule of thumb is, “Do the opposite of what the anxiety is telling you to do!” Yes it sounds crazy, and it can be difficult to imagine in some cases, but it is often the only way to break free from the irrational messages that anxiety is giving to your child’s brain.
The brain actually thinks it is doing a good thing, and protecting your child from some perceived danger. In typical situations, when there really is danger, this is an extremely adaptive functional response. (Yay brain for sending me messages to do what I need to do to keep myself safe!)
However, with anxiety, the brain sends messages of danger when there actually is no danger, and every time we listen to the message and do what the brain is telling us, the more the brain thinks it is right, and the more that particular situation becomes ingrained as a situation to be feared.
Essentially, your child (with your help) needs to reteach his/her brain the truth–that there is nothing to fear in that particular situation. In order to reteach the brain, gradually and, with love and encouragement, expose your child to what he/she fears.
Here are some basic tips to help your child push back against his/her anxiety and reteach his/her brain the truth.
- Educating your child about how the brain is working, how it is a little confused and sending messages that are not true. Explain about the fight or flight response and how adaptive this response is normally but sometimes worried (anxious) people can have an exaggerated response to situations and feel there is something to fear in non-threatening situations.
- Talk to your child about reteaching their brain by creating a new message for the brain that helps it to understand there is nothing to fear.
- Then gradually expose your child to the feared item or situation so the brain begins to learn the truth. While initial unsettling, this can be an empowering experience.
- Exposure needs to be gradual and at a pace that is comfortable for your child. You can create a list with steps towards the end goal. For instance, if the goal is for your child not to fear dogs, you might create a list like:
- Look at pictures of dogs online or in magazines or books
- Read stories about dogs
- Learn about different types of dogs
- Go to the dog park and look at the dogs from afar
- Go the home of a friend or family neighbor with a friendly dog keep the dog in the other room
- Bring the dog into the room on a leash
- Gradually move the dog closer until your child can touch the dog
- Expose your child to other friendly dogs with a similar approach so he/she can begin to generalize
- Talk back/fight back/get angry at the anxiety. Try to have fun with this and help your child take charge. Sometimes it helps to develop a mantra or two that your child can use when fighting back and not listening to their anxiety.
- Teach your child breathing and relaxation strategies that can calm and distract him/her. See below for apps and websites.
- Help your child EXPECT to feel anxious. Rate the anxiety and keep rating it as it comes down. Show them they can live with anxious feelings but they don’t have to fear and avoid them. The goal is to be able to live with feeling a little anxious, not to expect to avoid anxiety entirely.
- As tempting as it may be, try to avoid simply reassuring your child.(everything is going to be OK) Ironically, this actually can back fire and have the effect of fueling the anxiety. Have your child do the talking back. Be your child’s cheerleader! Encourage them to fight back and talk back to the anxiety.
- Don’t give in! If they cannot do the exposure you have set up, try to get them to do at least one aspect of it.
- Have fun with it—use humor to diffuse the intensity, role play talking back to anxiety to provide your child a model.
- Reward progress!!
- Check your own feelings and be mindful of your own fears and reactions.
Resources
Apps
Calm
iPhone/iPad | Android
OMG I Can Meditate!
iPhone/iPad | Android
Headspace
iPhone/iPad | Android
Websites
mindbodygreen.com
leftbrainbuddha.com
innerhealthstudio.com
kidsrelaxation.com
